Momma's little baby loves Puddlin'bread

Frantic Catch-up

puddlinbread — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 22:20:47 +0000

Random photos below! Of exciting and fun events! That I do not have time to describe!

I have not been as diligent as I wanted to be about taking photos. This is not just because I’ve managed to lose the camera battery recharger thingy but because I have no follow-through. This lack of follow-through is another reason why I have no children as I understand it is frowned upon to have children and then kind of skip them for days or weeks at a time.

Plus I am so hungry, omg. I’m trying to eat super carefully and have realized that eating carefully sucks ass. Why would god have allowed humans to invent chemically delicious foods that kill us? Either chips are of the devil (quite possibly) or god is secretly trying to kill us (entirely likely) or we’re a species of wide-ranging suicidal tendencies (absolutely). Although I do like the idea of the devil busily frying up timbits and testing them on various dead evil doers.

Dog Hieroglyphs

puddlinbread — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 14:13:08 +0000

This is what my dogs did yesterday. I can’t help but feel there’s a message here:

I’d like to think they’re communicating with dolphins or aliens or working on complex math equations but likely they’re just correcting my spelling. Or asking for additional peanut butter at pill time.

I did not get a photo of this but the other day a woman at the gym was wearing an old Sony sports walkman. The one that plays tapes. The big yellow clunky thing. She had to wear a waist bag to hold it. I have many questions about this but the biggest one is wha? Really? Spend the $100. Get yourself something you can hold in your hand. Use your waist bag for other critical necessities, like a bottle of Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific! brand shampoo and a bottle of Love’s Baby Soft and some lip smackers.

Conversely I think it’s adorable that this older guy at the gym is wearing a collared shirt tucked into his shorts with a belt. And it’s a leather belt, not a stretchy casual belt like many of us would choose if we’re looking for a belt to wear to the gym. Of course he has knee socks on. He has decided to wear running shoes so he isn’t entirely crazy, not like fluffy slipper wearing woman who arrives in full make-up and her pajamas.

Given that I bought these rain boots the other day perhaps I’m in no position to judge others. But judge I will, because if I don’t judge who will? I still love these rain boots though.

I’m also still loving the bubble action from the balcony at work. It is super relaxing. I strongly recommend it for everyone. The other day a bubble got enough heft it terrorized a gull flying by who was all, “OMG what the hell??” I thought it was going to fall out of the sky which would have been traumatically hilarious. Kind of like when they threw turkeys out of the helicopter on WKRP.

A Lovely Trip to Montreal

puddlinbread — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 11:27:17 +0000

I have photos to add but I can’t deal with that right now.

I’m in Montreal with a friend who is having surgery. Yesterday we’re heading to the hospital and she wants to drive to calm her nerves. Driving in Montreal? Calming? Hokay.

We follow our directions perfectly. Unfortunately they were directions to the wrong location. And then all hell broke loose. We’re careening around the streets while I simultaneously try to use the map function on my BB and use it to call the clinic for directions. The BB gives us the correct address – 100 – but the street is a one way and it goes from 900 – 500 and stops. OMG OMG OMG. I get the answering machine at the clinic and leave some type of message. Not exactly sure but I think it was something like, “Can’t…can’t find…watch out! Clinic. Please call us at OMG TRUCK! 613…. AARRGHHH click.” I’m sure it was both entertaining and frightening.

I suggest we pull over and ask someone but my friend is too keyed up to stop so we continue to drive around while I start trying other clinic numbers. Finally a real person and I put her on speaker phone and and we both begin screaming at her. She’s like, “Where are you?” but since my friend won’t stop driving I’m like, “Mceachern! Stuart! Cote de St Catherine! Stuart again!” The nurse is like, “Ummm, let me get someone who knows the directions better.” In other words she was weak! WEAK! Someone else comes on and tries but says things like, “Go north on Avenue du Parc.” ”WHICH WAY IS NORTH?!?” We both scream. New nurse, calmly, “I don’t know what direction you’re coming from so…go north.” The best part was when she said, “You’ve gone over the overpass, right?” and we’re both like, “OVERPASS??? We haven’t seen any motherfucking overpass!!!” Oh, it was comedy gold.

My friend careens across 3 lanes of traffic into a Shell station and starts firing questions in the best Frenglish I’ve ever heard. I’m not even sure what he said but we feel re-energized and ready to try again. She is now completely crazed – which made her the best Mtl driver ever, not even kidding – and we’re late. I reminded her that they know we’re on the way, in fact I was certain the entire facility knew we were on the way, and that they sure weren’t going to start without her. We get to an overpass and my friend goes under it. Okay. I kind of gently say, “Maybe we should try going over it?” but she wasn’t ready to go over anything.

However, after another round of Stuart! Cote du St Catherine! McEachern! we try going over the overpass and voila! I especially enjoyed the U turn in front of a bus. Then she almost abandoned the car at the first clinic door she saw but I talked her into going into the actual parking lot.

We arrived at the clinic and everyone,EVERYONE, knew our story. It was like being famous only not. I kept showing everyone the directions in a vain attempt to prove we didn’t just leave the hotel and figured we’d drive around Mtl until we found the clinic. We had a plan! A flawed plan, yes, but a plan!

The surgery went super fine. She is recovering nicely.

Then I had to leave and drive her car back to hotel. After the fiasco of getting there I redid the directions about 3 times. I asked people, I checked maps (both electronic and paper), I had the best directions I could have gotten. I felt ready.

My friend’s car. It’s a standard but I’ve driven standards. I was a little nervous but figured it would be fine. IT WAS NOT FINE.

First of all her reverse is where I would expect 1st gear to be, meaning I was terrified I’d put it into reverse instead of first. I suspect this meant I had it in 3rd half the time. Anyway, I managed to get it going and only stalled once during the exit from the parking lot. I did have tons of trouble getting it moving (likely in 3rd) and I knew I was riding the clutch. However, I got out of the little neighbourhoody place and got to more of a thoroughfare and things were going well! They were going well!!

Then I clearly missed a turn and started panicking a bit, and guess what? It all went to hell again. But this time I saw the road I wanted, as I was accidentally crossing it, so figured I’d do the right-right-right then home. I went right. So far so good. I then panicked TOO EARLY and tried to turn right. Unfortunately I turned right onto a hill and naturally stalled the bloody car.

Now I’m trying to restart the car and get it moving on a steep hill, and you know how these standards roll backwards, and I’m pretty sure I was in 3rd but I’m very very sure I was burning the clutch because the smell of burning was really bad. Eventually after what felt like hours of starting, revving, burning, lurching forward, stalling, repeat I got it around the corner onto the hill and could not get it out of the middle of the road. Then I just sat there with my hazards on getting honked at and sworn at and I literally did not know what to do. Leave the car there in the middle of the road? Get out, turn the car over and burn it? Ask some random person if they can drive a standard?

I tried calming breaths and tried again. This time I managed to get past the parked car on my right and so immediately pulled into the parking spot in front of the car so at least I was out of the middle of the road – I had stalled again of course. More calming breaths. Tried again. Stall. Stall. Stall. Spent another calming 5 minutes SCREAMING.

Decided to abandon car as it was at least off the road. Straddling two parking spots and in a towing zone by the next morning, but not in the middle of the road. Wrote the nearest intersection on my hand and walked to the busiest road I could find. Turns out that was the main intersection right by the hotel. I was sooooo close. But really, does it matter? If I couldn’t get the car out of the parking spot and up the hill it might as well be the next city.

In I go and went straight to the valet desk in the basement where I went into quite the animated story about my situation. I believe, although I think I might have been close to fainting from lack of food (I hadn’t eaten since a quiche at 9.30am except for a piece of beef jerky and a babel round of cheese. Planning did NOT happen). I recall making driving motions and I think there was a lot of random waving. Anyway, some nice little guy, Marlon, agreed to come help. When he asked me where the car was I had to peer at the writing on my hand and I could see him getting nervous. We walk over to Belmont and no car, but then I was like, “No, it’s around the corner. BEAVER HALL! IT’S ON BEAVER HALL!” Because…of course it is.

We get in and he’s like, “Wow, burning the clutch much?” And I was all, “Dude, I have not survived this day to be mocked by someone named Marlon.” He was actually super lovely about it. We got back to the hotel in seconds and then he was all, “So do you want to park it?” And I was just like, “DIE DIE DIE!” and then I gave him $20.

At least there’s a Tim Hortons just outside of the hotel.

And so it goes

puddlinbread — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 13:18:33 +0000

I have been taking photos. I’ve missed two days and have learned one has to take time out of the day to think about pictures. If I don’t my life really is car/work/car/house. And iced tea sometimes.

I had my last rollerblading class last week and no broken bones! On my part anyway. The other woman in the class fell a fair amount and bumped her nose on her helmet (after the helmet made contact with the sidewalk and was pushed into her nose). Score one for helmet safety and minus 4 for Helmet Attack. Ready or not I have a rollerblading date next Sunday to be out on the street. I’d like to bring the camera but I can’t afford to smash it.

I am also forced to OD on yoga. I bought 12 classes last August and am almost at the end of the year and have 7 classes to get through. Nothing is as relaxing as pressure yoga and I think I’ve just stumbled onto a gold mine! All of those crazed Type A anals whose doctors are telling them to take yoga and relax would totally go for Pressure Yoga. Maybe make the floor electric and if they stray from their mats they get an electric shock? Have tigers patrol the perimeter of the room? Many options here and all of them excellent.

I was in Montreal last weekend as well. A hilariously awesome trip full of awesome hilarity. Here is a photo that suggests none of that:

I have to say I am very lucky in my friends. Girls and boys, the friends I have are pretty much the best – sorry to diss your friends but ultimately that’s how I call it.

I also hired someone to help me with the garden. See, sometimes people react when you say you hired someone to do something you could do yourself, like garden. Let me show you my recent personal gardening success. It is the creation of sticks:

I saw “Bridesmaids” last night. Funny. I had been over-prepped by how hilarious it would be and so of course I was like, “Yeah, not THAT funny”. But there were vignettes that were so hilarious I can’t even. Much like “The Hangover”, gross but hilarious. So if you’re not a “Hangover” fan do not see it. I also do not recommend taking grandma or younger daughter as a mommy/daughter outing. Or if you think it would be appropriate to take your younger daughter I’d like to recommend a quick check-in call to CAS (Children’s Aid Society).

We went for dinner first and here is a close up of the fireplace mantel in the restaurant. Very Templar-esque. Expected Dan Brown to show up and write a boring and stupid essay on how steak houses were part of the Templar plan to create banks to hide Jesus’ socks or similar nonsense.

The real movie story is in the Yogen Fruz. Remember when I saw Che Guevara there getting yogurt? I’m at the theatre and I see Yogen Fruz and not being someone to turn down a Fruzing opportunity I got in line. And stood there for 25 minutes! One little kid behind the counter trying to manage the yogurt and the pizza and the coffee. The yogurt machine kept clogging and she kept tipping it over, and then the couple in front of me decided to order for 14 of their friends as well – violent hatred. And at the end of it all – not really that delicious.

Finally, I have decided to write a book about emoticons using nothing but emoticons and I am going to call it “Emoticon”.

Garden!

Random photos:

Lightning Round!

puddlinbread — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 11:30:30 +0000

Welcome to the lightning round of pictures, random thoughts and possibly weasels. I make no promises but it is best to be prepared for anything.

Last weekend we went to Toronto to celebrate Pride! This is the part of the DVP that starts feeling like the city to me on Thursday:

The view from our friends’ condo is nice (Friday)

One of us always seems to look confused although it was his friend’s BBQ we were at:

This is us investigating some interesting items available late at night on the street.

So here is the thing: I really don’t care what people decide to put where as long as they are consenting and for the sake of this post let’s not delve into the construct of “consent”, okay? We’re going to keep to the nice platitude that “consenting adults” means just that.

My point is while I hold to that, I also freak out at the size of some of the stuff (check out the big thing at right). And I realize as I’m staring at that huge thing and making comments about “no way. NO WAY!” I could be totally insulting the random guy who is walking by who really does like that scary thing. It’s hard to walk the line between kind of making fun of stuff for fun and accidentally making someone feel weird about their choices. Let the giant dildo be a lesson to us all!

Whew, at this point I’m just going to catch up on the week’s photos so below is the rest of the week in photo format. I promise to be more fulsome in my commentary when I get back on Saturday. Whoo, road trip!

What Che Guevara is up to

puddlinbread — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 23:52:41 +0000

Yesterday it was raining a lot. That has nothing to do with this story; it’s just a way of noting the photo from yesterday and getting it out of the way.

It is kind of a softer world through the rain. I kind of like the woovyness of it. Yes I did just invent a word and yes you may totally borrow it. I think I’ll use it in my facebook status tomorrow and we’ll see how long it takes to catch on. Woovy. You heard it here first.

Meanwhile yesterday I decided I could not continue without some Yogen Fruz. I don’t know what it is but I like the stuff. Listen, I could do worse for 100 or so calories. The point is as I was in line I look over and holy crapola it’s Che Guevara! At Yogen Fruz!!

Che was wearing his fetching revolutionary brimless cap with the star, his dark devil-may-care sexy revolutionary hair, a nicely fitted T-shirt and an unfortunate touch of douche in his sunglasses but for his commitment to literacy we’ll give him that. But really! It was like, “You know, when revolutionizing gets to be a little too much, I like to take a quick break for a treat that still fits into a sensible and balanced diet.” Che. Hanging at Yogen Fruz.

Can I also say it was kind of funny watching him struggle with the debit machine? Too many years in the back jungles of various countries will make the modern world that much more challenging. Plus, wha? Who is financing this yogurt treat? Is that Fruz cup filled with the blood of children who will now never know freedom from capitalist slavery so Che could have some deliciousness?

And more to the point where they hell does one buy a revolutionary brimless star cap these days anyway? Did the guy decide wearing the Che T just wasn’t getting him enough and so decided to take it one step further? Does he think everyday is Halloween? Does he need an intervention – to get rid of the sunglasses I think it might be yes but anyway.

The final irony here is as it always has been – that Che, that committed Marxist, has been used to sell capitalist goods made by exploited and oppressed peoples for years and now his very self is being used by some slightly douchey guy for the same thing. Oh man. It’s like having a brand of pork called Ghandi.

Meanwhile this fudge is delicious.

An Office Life

puddlinbread — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 05:26:17 +0000

I’ve decided not to fight the reality of my office. I’m spending a huge amount of time in there now and the photos from the last couple of days show that. It is a lovely space as you can see from the photos:

Unfortunately it is also freezing. Here I am enjoying a 30 degree day outside and a slightly lower temperature inside:

The camera on my phone is fabulous. I am wondering about taking camera phone photos each day – do I embrace the crappiness of the photo quality or try to carry my actual camera? If I have a hope of coming anywhere near to completing this project it has to be the phone. Who knows maybe the phone will become my artistic muse.

I am also annoyed at Steven Tyler. Have you read his autobiography? Clearly he picked up a recorder and rambled all ADD into it and some underpaid and under-appreciated writer had to turn that into remotely legible pages. Having also just recently finished Keith Richards’ book, and Keith obviously used the same strategy, I have to say these guys are truly Super Boring. Let me summarize both books for you:

- Obsessed with music from a young age

- Fell in with their lead singer (Mick)/ lead guitarist (Joe)

- Wrote songs

- Used drugs

- Had sex

- Fought with singer/guitarist

- Got clean

You would think there could be some decent stories in there. Instead it’s all coy crap, like, “I could tell you tons of stories about running into other bands on the road, but I won’t name names”. No, forbid you name names. Instead drone on at length about how Mick is sexually insecure and Joe Perry insisted on turning his amp up to 11 to drown out the singer.

Even those stories are useless because they are just these one line throw-away semi-slurs and insults but no real stories to back them up. They each proclaim that they were the wildest and most out of control band that ever was…which again we just have to take their word for it since no stories are presented to allow us to judge. I mean, unless you think taking a bunch of drugs makes you super wild. I think it’s just taking a bunch of drugs unless you can give us details on what you did, or what others say that you did, while out of your skull on something.

I’m not a fan of either of these bands but I love the egotistical viewpoint of spoilt and emotionally immature famous people. They do adore themselves. I can’t wait until my guitar lessons get to the How To Do Lots of Drugs and Still Make Music (Sort Of) part.

Already Challenged

puddlinbread — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 11:55:35 +0000

I have reviewed my photos over the past couple of days. Here is how small my life is: my options are photos of my toes in sparkly nail polish, Chris sitting on the sofa, the roofers on the roof next door or the panel on crime prevention I was at the other night.

So here is the question: is it that carrying a camera and thinking like a photographer is beyond me (likely) or is it that my life is really this boring (most likely)? For example, when I think about my day today, I am in work meetings and I hope to take some shirts in to get hemmed. How many exciting photo ops are there in that plan?

I’m not giving it up just yet but this may encourage me to plan slightly more interesting things into my day. That or figure out how to carry the camera with me more easily. Let’s see how it goes…

Day 2 & 3 – Here’s Hoping the Titles Get More Exciting

puddlinbread — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 01:21:03 +0000

I have indeed been taking photos every day and you know what I’ve realized? This project is going to highlight how freaking lame my life really is. Case in point: yesterday my photo is from spinning. No really, here it is:My instructor sometimes has us pretend to do a…leg? Part? Piece? Something, anyway, of the Tour de France. This is the map thingy he uses to show us where we are. Next Saturday is our last spinning class for the summer which is kind of boo. I might look at taking a class somewhere else…but see, omg this whole post has been about spinning.

And then today. First I was just goofing around with perspectives and I kind of like this photo:

This is what the mirror looks at all of the time. Hanging out on the wall staring at the finger puppets staring back at it.

Which reminds me the other day some friends were teasing me and someone said, “Wouldn’t it be fun to be in her (meaning my) head?” and everyone else immediately was like, “OH GOD NOOOO!” And I’m like, come the hell on! How bad do you think my head is? Yes the various personalities make it kind of noisy and it is hard to find mental pants sometimes but otherwise my head is a lovely place. LOVELY. Just bring some rubber boots, a flame thrower and maybe some spreadable cheese and you’ll be just fine.

Project 365 – Day One

puddlinbread — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 14:15:59 +0000

Yesterday was my first Project 365 photo – and if you want to know more about what Project 365 is here’s a link http://365project.org/.

Anyway the process of taking photos throughout the day and then picking one has helped me realize how generally lame my life is. I mean, do I pick the photo of the vacuum cleaner lying helpless on the floor after becoming overwhelmed by the amount of dog hair I was demanding it suck up? Or the picture of the bug that landed on my head?

And what have I chosen? A picture of how messy my room is. My room is super messy! I feel like I’m a kleenex box and a phone call away from starring on Hoarders. I don’t get it. Yes I’m busy. Yes I’m out a lot. But I have friends who have children and they seem to keep their socks off of the floor and their out of season pajama bottoms in drawers.

One of my goals this year is to clear out the house and keep it neater. See, January is for resolutions and June is for birthday goals. That way I can fail and regroup twice a year. I believe this is brilliant.